Letting You In

What will it take,
To let you inside?
Into the places that I protect,
Into the place that I conceal,
The places that hold
The fragile fragments of me?
What will it take,
To permit this palisade to collapse?
I have bolstered it with each heartbeat,
Trying to counteract each new gouge
Found within the wall of this shattering heart.
I have been straining,
Struggling,
Trembling as I maintain my stance,
My strength waning as fight,
Fight to keep myself safe.
And I have been fighting a long time.
Longer than anyone realizes.
Longer than even I realized.
My battle cry has always been,
Be strong!
Soldier on!
Fight hard!
Fight long!
I was so busy fighting,
That I forgot.
I was never made to be a soldier.
But I became what I had to be.
A fighter.
A warrior.
A juggernaut.
I wanted to be impenetrable.
I wanted to be a stalwart.
I wanted to be invincible.
So I tried to be self-sufficient,
To rely only on myself,
To say that I could do this alone.
I thought that meant I was strong.
At first.
What if I was wrong?
What if the true test of strength,
Is to let you in,
To let you help to repair the devastation,
To allow you to splint my broken heart?
Maybe being strong
Is found in the admission that I am...
Weak.

© CLC - 06/13/2010

I know that I look strong,
And confident,
And poised.
I know that I come across
As being capable
And held-together.
I know that I try to be that girl,
The one that always does the right thing.
The one that knows what to say.
The one that can do anything,
Or be anyone,
But I'm not.
If you were able to x-ray my heart,
You'd see how weak I truly feel.
You'd see how there are days
Where I walk around while falling apart.
It doesn't show on my face.
You can't hear it in my voice.
But it's there.
The fact that I have peace
Doesn't mean I don't need support,
Doesn't mean my heart isn't breaking.
Doesn't mean that I don't feel utterly alone.
I need you.
I spend so much time
Focusing on making you feel comfortable,
Understood,
At ease.
I don't know how to ask for help with something
That will make you feel uneasy.
And uncomfortable.
To help with something you don't fully understand.
I'm usually the one helping.
But right now,
I need your help.
I need you to reach out to me.
If you reach out,
I can grab your hand.
But the distance is too wide
For me to span it alone.
You don't have to have the right words,
Or know just what to do.
We'll figure that out together.
Being perfect doesn't matter.
Because right now,
I'm hurting.
And I'm afraid.
And I feel alone.
I need you.

© CLS - 05/12/2010

I am such a fool.

I allowed myself to be damaged.
I let myself trust him.
Time fractured,
Stood still,
Pausing for the collision
Between my shoulders and his intent.
For a moment,
I froze.

In that suspended second,
I did not move.
I could not move.
I was paralyzed
I thought I was stronger.
But I was wrong.

Now hatred of self is my indemnity
For the iniquity of his assault.
This invasion of fortified places,
Those protected spaces
That I painstakingly battled to secure;
Incised at the scar line of agonies past,
They lay crushed in the chair,
Next to my temerity.
My ever-ready vigilance
Anesthetized by courteous conduct,
Lay shattered at his feet.

In its place stands a deadened shell,
Asphyxiated by a clear coating of disgrace.
It tells you that you may look,
But don't touch.
You may look,
But don't see my disconsolate eyes
That threaten to overflow with aqueous grief.
You may look,
But don't hear the muffled shrieks
That break through my fissured heart,
Relentless echoes of trauma old and new.
For I am a fool.
I allowed myself to be damaged.
I let myself trust him.
And I was wrong.

© CLS - 12/01/2009